


His Eyes

by Morgana



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-31
Updated: 2013-05-31
Packaged: 2017-12-13 13:13:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/824687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morgana/pseuds/Morgana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Buffy never told Spike, but she loved his eyes</p>
            </blockquote>





	His Eyes

His eyes always were the most remarkable part of him. For a creature of the dark, Spike had always carried light in his eyes. She used to shrink back from that light, used to resent the way all of her inner thoughts and secrets were exposed whenever he looked at her in a certain way, but somewhere along the way, it became almost comforting. There was one person in the world who had seen her, as he'd said, at her very worst, who knew all the dark impulses and thoughts that lived inside her, and who loved her anyways. She remembers telling Angel at some point that she could lie to everyone except herself and Spike, and she wonders sometimes if that was when it started, if that was when he learned to look at her and see right through her, cheesy and trite as that sounds.  
  
She'd carried the memory of his eyes to heaven with her, and after she got back, she remembered thinking that heaven had been blue. Bright blue, warm and soft and loving... just like his eyes. She still remembers how it felt, that first night back, to sit and look into his eyes while he held her broken hands in his. For a few brief seconds, the raw wounds from being dragged back into life had eased, and she'd felt a small measure of that peace again. Looking back on that long, dark year that had followed, she has to wonder if that was part of the reason she'd sought him out so often, if she was trying to recapture a piece of the paradise she'd lost. The rest of it, she knew, had been Spike himself - the way he loved her, the gentle touch of his hands that would've made her anew if she'd allowed it. But she'd been afraid, so she'd shoved him and the memory of heaven he carried away with both hands.  
  
She regrets that now. Ever since they closed the Hellmouth she's had a lot of time for thinking and reflecting, time that inevitably leads to thoughts of him and a litany of things she wishes she could take back. She regrets a lot of things now, from using Xander to make Angel jealous, to the lies she told her mother before she finally explained being a slayer to her, but those are trivial in comparison to her regrets about Spike. She regrets not letting him love her, regrets not giving him that crumb he asked for when he was trying desperately to make her see what they could have, regrets not just yanking that stupid necklace off his head and dragging him out of the school, but most of all, she regrets the wasted time. If she'd just opened her own eyes and realized that she was in love with him long before she ever said something, then maybe she wouldn't be alone now.  
  
God, she misses him. She misses his laughter, his blatantly sexual teasing, his fierce loyalty and fiercer devotion to both her and her fight. She misses how he always backed her, even when nobody else had, but he'd been the only one to take a stand against her when she'd tried destroying herself. She even misses the smell of his cigarettes and his crude jeers when he was hurt and struggling to hide it from her. It's like a part of herself was severed and left behind in that school, like she's missing something vital that she'll never get back. And worst of all is the growing sense that nobody will ever love her the way Spike did, because nobody else is him.  
  
She's left with only memories to sustain her, and she turns them over and over in her mind, reviewing them like precious jewels - his hands that had saved her life and given her such pleasure, his voice when he'd told her he loved her, his swagger and style, his gentle manner, his wild passion, his delight in her, no matter what she was doing, and always, always his eyes. She just hopes that, whenever she dies again, she gets to see his eyes once more.


End file.
